


Chance

by Writinginstardust



Series: Fictober 2019 [22]
Category: The Grisha Trilogy - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Angst, F/M, too many emotions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-22
Updated: 2019-10-22
Packaged: 2020-12-28 08:56:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21134069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Writinginstardust/pseuds/Writinginstardust
Summary: There's no future for you and Nikolai, not unless you do something really extraordinary. Spying on the Darkling just might be the thing to make you worthy of him but Nikolai isn't willing to let you go.





	Chance

“I can’t let you do this.” Nikolai grabbed my arm and stopped me walking away. 

“I have to.”

“No you don’t. You could get yourself killed.” And sure, he was right, but really I didn’t have much choice. We needed someone on the inside, someone to get close enough to spy on the Darkling and report back. Someone, even, who could kill him if the chance arose. I knew it should be me but Nikolai couldn’t be convinced. 

“Come on. You know someone has to do this so why not let it be me.”

“You know why.” And I did know but the same reason he wouldn’t let me me was the reason I had to do it. 

“Just let me go, Nikolai. You know I can handle myself and this way we could have a chance.” A chance to win the war. A chance to stop the Darkling once and for all. A chance to be together when it was all over. Nikolai was heir to the throne and we all knew he’d take it one day and he’d need a queen. A queen who was loved and respected and powerful. Not one like me. A heartrender who many might think a traitor to the country and who was, for all intents and purposes, not even Ravkan..

I was born poor, to parents who didn’t want me drafted into the second army and turned into a killer. They wouldn’t risk the grisha examiners discovering my power and fled to Ketterdam where I grew up. An incomprehensible series of events led me to being part of “Sturmhond’s” crew and it didn’t take very long for me to fall in love with my captain. It was foolish but I couldn’t stop it. And Nikolai, quite unimaginably, fell too. But as things stood there was no future, much as we wanted it to be otherwise. If I did this, became a spy for us, I could help stop the war, save Ravka. Then maybe we could have a future together. I’d told Nikolai as much but he wasn’t having it.

“No.” 

“Nikolai please. If I do this we could finally have a future.”

“If you do this you could lose any kind of future.” There was so much pain in his eyes that I had to look away. I knew it was unbelievably risky but I’d face down the Darkling, his armies, and the Nichevo’ya alone if there was a chance to keep Nikolai safe and prove myself worthy of him.

“It’s a risk I have to take.”

“It’s not and I won’t let you. I’m not losing you. Not like this.” I studied his face for a few moments. There was no way he was ever going to back down, I wouldn’t win this argument so what was the point in trying to. I’d have to find another way.

“Fine,” I sighed and relief spread across his face. My stomach clenched at what I was going to do later.

“Thank you.” I tried to smile as he pulled me into his arms but couldn’t make it reach my eyes. He kissed me then. I let myself melt into it, memorising the feel of his lips, the way every touch shot sparks across my skin. When he finally took me to bed I committed every detail to memory. The hard lines of his body, the softness of his hair running through my fingers the sound of his breathing when the heat engulfed us. The way his body felt against mine would come back to me in dreams while I was away and I needed it to feel real. Remembering what I was doing this for, what I was coming back to, was all that I could hold onto. Nikolai would be my lifeline.

When he finally fell asleep I let myself watch for only a few more minutes. I had to go but I needed to savour this. I slid out of bed, fortunately not waking Nikolai, and got dressed again before walking over to the desk and writing a quick note. What do you write to the love of your life when you’re sneaking off in the dead of night and might never see him again? There’s no words for that but I tried to find some anyway. In the end I settled for telling him where I was going and why. That I was sorry for doing it this way but had no choice. I cried as I wrote and my tears smudged some of the words but I didn’t have time to write it again. Finally, I told him how much I loved him and that I’d do everything I could to stop the Darkling and come home to him.

I left the note on my pillow and left without another glance back at him. Every step away from him was harder than the last. I didn’t want to go but I had to, I only hoped he would understand why eventually. It was our only chance.


End file.
